Home Sick

I would say that my walk w/ the Lord, I have scewed into a direction of discernment in what God speaks. Whom can I listen to who is the speaker? What do I adopt of which comes out of their mouth? Is my mind so conditioned to shut my mouth in sharing my troubles or questions? My pain is real, my trust has turned to rust. What is the promis of my future and when is it going to be revealed? How much longer God? When I examine myself when my thoughts are beside me, I KNOW that my heart is patiently waiting for the Lord to pull me out of the muck that I am spinning my wheels in. Am I humble? I wait for that day that I will give praise to the Lord for being Him. God says "...be still and know that I am God".

One thing is... is God real for me? I know He is real. I have fallen out of trust in His word, or atleast it has been brought into my mind that He has failed me. Either He has failed me or I have failed Him. God is perfect, so it is apparent that, I, am the one that failed Him. I have appologized to Him for not being strong in Him. I have a contradicting mind when I hear His word. The book of Job is different. It is a story of which Job is going through... so far, there really hasnt been any promis' by God at the point that I am reading.

One thing that I am doing is avoiding conflict. I am running away from any type of conflict. Am I @ fault for causing this conflict? It takes two to fight. Am I so incapsulated in my own self pride, that my pride has over powered my righteousness?

What is God teaching me? Am I taking note of my discernment of what has been happening? I think so. I often think what is God doing.

I am home sick. I feel that I have invested my life in my family only for it to be broken up. I miss our beautiful house, Jasmine and my wife, dog. Thats my family. I am living out of boxes in a small room, its comfy, but its not home.

Peter Pickett
Anchorage, Alaska

A New Direction

Sooooooo, life is going in a new direction for the meantime. I have made a decision to make life better for, 1 myself, my children... my wife, and my extended family. My step daughter Jasmine, though I call her my daughter, has been there by my side for everything, making her objections known that she does not approve of my drinking... her and other people as well. DAMAGE!!! (more on this damage thing later).

What happens when you get a broken arm... you go to someone that knows how to fix it, eh? Well, my mind is broken, and the bible tells us what we need to do- to seek guidance from the elders from a church (I say from 'A' church because I am not currently a member in any church at this time). God has brought someone in my life that has gone through exactly what I am going through. And talking w/ him, he has made an analogy of a basketball court with God inside of it. I too was inside. I have gone out of bounds recently by drinking and smoking, as well as casting my line out over the boundary line ... ... ... So to speak, I went outside the boundary of the game (not living according to the way that God wants us to live). God gives us the bible for many reasons, one of them is how He wants us to live. We need to decide if we are going to live a life of sin (going out of bounds) or live life according to how God intended us to live (staying in-bounds).

I havent made God priority number one in recent past. He is in me. He will never leave me nor forsake me, no matter if I get angry at him. I have asked Jesus back into my heart, but He has never left me. He has been there w/ me as I go throught the valley. He is there to help and heal me, to bring me through my trials...

I'm tired, I am going to bed... and I chose to live my life according to the bible. Peace out.

I have fallen... and I will get back up

Hmmm, what can I say today. I shake my head as I think of the lifesyle that I have dipped into. My recent smoking and drinking has lead me astray from what means most to me in life. Done by not caring for my one special relationship. Done for selfish reasonings, earthly desires putting up a transparency to what I believe in. Not living the life of understanding that has been gifted to me. Not -->trusting without doubt dispite what ever crosses my path and knowing that my life is perfectly safe.

I have fallen... and I will get back up. You learn from your mistakes and try and prevent them from ever happening again. What has been broken will be put back together stronger than it was.

------The thief only comes to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.---John 10:10

Lost and unsure of what is going to happen next

What is so captivating in life. I think that I havent been a very happy person in recent years. I have discovered this by merely viewing other peeps MySpace's, as well as talking to people that described what personality characteristics I used to have. People appear to be happy. Can I compare myself to other people? Am I in my mid-life crissis?

I have been evaluating my success in what I have done in life... (I havent really even set any goals in the first place.) What I have currently done has not worked out... is it time for a change? I stand thinking what goals I can come up with to define who I really should be.

Considering separation in my marriage is allowing my mind to come up w/ what my day-dreams are telling me- being SEPARATE would mean that I could do whatever my heart desires instead of planning life decisions w/ another person. The biggest heartbreak about separation would be for the kids. Growing up, my parents had thier tough times and went through a near separation, and it was very hurt-full. I would only hope the best for our kids.

I feel like this is useless babble...

...What a life. We are only here temporarily for a short time. What I have learned was that we HAVE to put God as priority one. When we decide to do other things as opposed to going to Church, we are pushing God aside and saying 'I will get to you later'. Look @ what has happened, dating all the way back to... about Jan '07. I was unable to live w/ myself, I had a great deal of anger, depression, snappyness.I cannot express anymore @ this time, I am tired, worn out, exhausted.

I need this weekend. I have taken on a tinge of anxiety. Work went decent today, but I was unable to withstand an entire day. I need people right now, hugs are worth everything. It eases the pain. Amazing what love can do eh? Perhaps I did not convey that enough in the past- yep.Peter

Amazing Grace

There is an amazing thing in this world and that is Gods grace. Its funny how God works in your life, and how much in-control he is. He can change your life- just like that. All you gotta do is GIVE you life to him, ask Him to come into your heart and ask for the forgiveness of your sins. I dont know what is going to happen in the next few days or even months or years, but he is interceding in my life and there are going to be changes. God has a Will... am I prepared to see His will out? Am I ready to make a dedicated commitment to walk w/ the Lord? Am I ready to suffer for Him?

I am done living for myself... hmmmm, funny how that sounds. I have gone through some tough times recently, allowing my mind to over power my life and get the better of me, deeply affecting my family. A daily melt down. I looked in my eyes and seen anger, a totally different person. I was a depressed. I was unable to deal w/ anything negative- regardless of the degree of it. It was recommended to me seeing a psychiatrist, possibly getting meds that could help..................... Nothing in modern day medicine can CURE the problems I had. My breakthrough was God. My savior is Jesus. And he could be yours.

Amazing grace! How sweet the sound That saved a wretch like me!

I once was lost, but now am found Was blind, but now I see.

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,And grace my fears relieved.

How precious did that grace appear The hour I first believed!

Through many dangers, toils and snares,I have already come.

'Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far,And grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promised good to me,His Word my hope secures;

He will my Shield and Portion be,As long as life endures.

Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,And mortal life shall cease,

I shall possess, within the veil,A life of joy and peace.

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow,The sun forbear to shine;

But God, who called me here below,Will be forever mine.

When we've been there ten thousand years,Bright shining as the sun,

We've no less days to sing God's praiseThan when we'd first begun.